Missed another day in there, didn’t I? Well, there was good reason. Tuesday – two days ago – I think I really came to a crisis of belief point! I had so many feelings that day – feeling of desperation about what in the world we were doing here. I felt swallowed up by this big city and all the unfamiliar around me. Brownsville was looking pretty good and I wouldn’t have minded waking up in it on Tuesday morning. There was such a feeling of heaviness on me that I could hardly stand it. I wanted to curl right up in this apartment and never go out the door again. It was scary out there. People were different. People looked at me differently. New food, new languages, new customs. So much new and not much familiar. So Tuesday, I stayed in. I know Rick was concerned about me but probably felt just leaving me on my own would be the best idea. He headed off to explore on his own. I curled up on the uncomfortable rattan sofa and escaped. I was discouraged, distracted, and deceived. I felt overwhelmed and just about at the end of my rope. I missed my kids. I missed friends and family. But most of all, I just missed the familiar.
Do you ever feel that way? Maybe you have a new job or maybe a new baby. Maybe you’ve just moved to a new community or a new church. Or maybe you just feel like you would rather just curl up in your room than face the day ahead. Believe me, I KNOW how that feels. I’ve been there.
I lost myself on Tuesday. I gave in to the lies that Satan loves to tell me. I am insignificant. I am weak. I am not able to be used. I am too unworthy. I am not strong enough to do that. I can’t do this. I can’t pass this test. I can’t take this job anymore. Sound familiar?
I lost myself Tuesday. I hid away in my shell, afraid, discouraged, and deceived. Poor pitiful me. If anybody can have a great pity party, I’m telling you that I am the one to plan that out for you. I can throw a doozy! Praise God that He puts up with all of that in me and loves me anyway.
Do you realize what a big God we have? Do you realize how much He loves you for YOU. You don’t have to pretend with Him. No, He already knows all of those feelings and fears. He made you and He knows you through and through, good and bad. I’m glad He loves me anyway, in spite of my MANY unbecoming characteristics. I can be pretty UGLY. But He loves me, UGLY and all!
Tuesday was UGLY. But Wednesday… there is always a new day with Him. “The steadfastness of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion’, says my soul, therefore, I will trust in Him.” Wednesday was a new morning… a new day.
After we talked to our kids and family on the phone Wednesday morning (and I had a good cry because I missed them so much)… Rick and I headed out. I have to tell you that the first step out the door was the hardest but I MADE myself do it. And you know what, it wasn’t nearly as scary as I had envisioned it on Tuesday. I saw the Lord’s hand many times yesterday – His hand of love showing me that HE was there and that HE was in control of everything and that I was right where He wanted me.
Give yourself permission to have a bad day. Go ahead and have it. Cry. Have a good pity party and invite others if you want to. It’s okay. Every day is not a great day. Some days are hard. Tuesday was a hard one for me. But I made it through (because you were praying for me) and Wednesday looked a lot different.
Thanks for your faithfulness to pray.
